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Coping  with Grief

Common Feelings of Grief  These are some frequent symptoms people experience as they go through the  grieving process. Not everyone goes through the same things, and what each person  feels and experiences will be as unique as the individual person.

  • anger, irritation, resentment (at others or at God)
  • anxiety
  • bargaining with God 
  • comparing the loss to the losses of others 
  • confusion 
  • depression
  • disbelief 
  • disinterest in life 
  • distorted or lost time 
  • disturbed sleep habits (insomnia, waking up erratically) 
  • easily distracted 
  • embarrassment about emotions and feelings 
  • exhaustion 
  • fatigue 
  • feelings of being out of control 
  • feelings of being overwhelmed 
  • feeling crazy 
  • feeling disconnected from family and friends 
  • feeling drugged 
  • feelings of hopelessness 
  • feelings that nothing matters or has meaning 
  • guilt 
  • hallucinations 
  • inability or reluctance to make decisions 
  • pains and aches
  • panic
  • unpredictable appetite

How to Help a Grieving Person There are many ways to be supportive of a person experiencing the grieving  process.

Listening to grieving people is the most important thing you can do. Listen  in a non-judging way, and allow them to tell the story or stories over and over  if they need to. Repetition is often a key part of the healing process.  

Share your memories of the loved one, too. Reflect on the feelings they are  experiencing - but as you share, be careful not to start one-upping their  feelings, or comparing your loss to theirs. And don't say "I know exactly how you  feel." It's usually much more helpful to say something along the lines of "I  can't imagine what you must be feeling right now," because most grieving people  feel like no one else could know what they're experiencing. Each person recuperates from grief at his or her own pace. Some can recover  quickly, while others can take a full year or more. Be careful not to impose a  time limit or tell people to get over it and move on. Feeling that they've  grieved too long can cause people to suppress their feelings, and slow or stop  the healing process.  

Understand that grieving people are very likely to have emotional setbacks,  even after a long period of healing and outward "improvement." Something could  spark a memory that causes them to spiral downwards -- dates that were  important in the loved one's life, such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays,  are often triggers for setbacks.  

Remember that there's no definitive way to experience grieving, and that  everyone experiences a unique set of feelings or physical symptoms. 

Understand that the grieving person will always feel the loss, but that he or  she will learn to live with it over time.  It may sound strange to talk about celebrating, but it can help grieving  people heal. Help them celebrate the life of the loved one they've lost. Help them  develop rituals they need to get through the difficult early stages of the  grieving process.  

Sometimes grieving people can go to extremes. If you notice signs of suicidal  behavior or fear they may harm themselves or others, it's your moral, legal,  and ethical duty to refer them to a mental health professional. Things Not to Do in Helping a Person through the Grieving Process  While there are many things you can do to help people through the pain of  their grief, there are also things that don't help at all. Here are some thoughts  on things it's best not to do. 
  • Don't try to "fix" things, or make it all better for the person suffering  the loss. No one can ever do that. 
  • Don't tell people that time heals all wounds. The wound of loss will never  really heal, but they will learn to live with the loss over time. 
  • Don't compare one griever's loss or experience of grief to another's.  Comparisons seem to minimize the loss or to force grievers to behave the "right  way" instead of the way they are reacting.
  • Don't encourage grieving people to make major changes, such as moving,  changing jobs, etc. Extreme grief clouds judgment, and the people may later  regret their decision. 
  • Don't attempt to cheer them up.
  • Don't scold, give advice, lecture, etc. 
  • Don't suggest the person can replace the one they've lost ("You can have  another baby," or "you'll find someone else").  

Coping with Grief during the Holidays  Whether your loved one died recently or decades ago, the holidays bring forth  powerful memories that may stimulate your grief.  

When trying to deal with grief, it's important to understand that grief is  cumulative. We don't suffer a loss, move through predetermined emotional phases,  then surface on the other side. Here are some tips to help you cope with  grief during the holidays:  DO: 
  • Expect to have some pain. When the feelings come, let them. 
  • Accept a few invitations to be with close family or friends. Choose the  ones that sound most appealing at the time and avoid the ones that feel more like  obligation. 
  • Talk about your feelings. Let people know if you're having a tough day. 
  • Incorporate your loved one into the holidays: 
  • Share your favorite stories over dinner. 
  • Make a toast or light a candle in remembrance. 
  • Make a donation in his or her name. 
  • Help others:
    • Take a meal to a homebound couple. 
    • Volunteer in a shelter or soup kitchen. 
    • "Adopt" a family to buy presents or food for. 
  • Modify or make new traditions if it feels right. Just remember to include  others who are grieving, especially children, in the decision. 
  • If the idea of holiday shopping overwhelms you, buy gifts online or  through catalogs. 
  • Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. The National Funeral  Directors Association suggests affirmations such as, "In spite of loss, I will try to  enjoy this season." 
  • Prepare yourself for January. Sometimes the aftermath of the holidays can  bring more sadness than the holidays themselves.  DON'T: 
  • Don't hide your feelings from children in an effort to be strong for them  or protect them. You'll only be teaching them to deny their own feelings. 
  • Don't isolate yourself. Although you may not feel much like celebrating,  accept a few invitations. 
  • Don't accept every invitation or throw yourself into work in an effort to  keep busy. It may only add more stress. 
  • Don't expect to go through defined stages of grief. Every person is  different and every relationship is unique. 
  • Don't act as if your loved one never lived. 
  • Don't be afraid to cry.  

If someone you know is grieving: 
  • Encourage him or her to talk about their feelings. Listen to them.  According to Moeller, 98 percent of people who have recently lost someone want to  talk about the person who died. 
  • Let them cry. 
  • Don't pretend their loved one didn't die -- it's okay to say the  deceased's name. 
  • Don't say things like: 
  • "At least he's not suffering anymore" 
  • "She's in a better place." 
  • "I know you'll miss him." 
  • "I know how you feel."

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